A girl can't help but be seduced at first by VH1's "The Pick-Up Artist."

The reality show's would-be gigolos enter the stage as lovable losers - nerdy, chubby and awkward underdogs. They include a 45-year-old virgin, a Speedo-wearing musical theater lover and a guy who lives in his parent's basement. Who wouldn't want to see them triumph?

And triumph they do, tearfully, movingly, as they gain confidence and skills that, we imagine, might help them find love.

Still, as with any pickup artist, it's not long before you notice the smell of cheap cologne. As the finale approaches on Monday (and reruns are destined to continue ad infinitum), it's time to deodorize.

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OUT OF SYNC

Our guide to televised seduction is Mystery, an eyelined, ponytailed, fingernail-painted figure outfitted in a rotation of funny hats and goggles.

This over-the-top presentation is part of the plan. Step one for our pickup-artists-in-training is the makeover, and with it an introduction to the lingo. The men are taught to "peacock" to stand out in a crowd. And so they are transformed into what looks like an aging, ragtag boy band, all bracelets and nail polish and funny highlights.

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FIRE SALE AT THE SALT MINE

Next comes the approach. Women are not women, but "sets" (groups of women), "targets" (if they're good looking) and "obstacles" (if they're not).

The counterintuitive approach goes like this: Talk to the obstacle, while occasionally throwing soft insults, or "negs," at the target. Say, for example, you encounter two women at a bar. You talk to the less attractive one, then tell her better-looking friend, "You blink a lot. That's cute."

The idea is that the more attractive woman will be thrown off by the attention to her friend, and want to prove her worthiness by gaining the man's attention. Never mind that any woman worth her salt would be happy to see a less attractive friend get male attention. This isn't about women worth their salt.

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AND...ACTION!

The men then move into a script that includes "demonstrations of higher value," including time restrictions ("I only have a minute, but ...") and rebuffing the target's affections. If she touches him, a good response is, "You'll have to buy me a drink first."

And the script works, at least for the more lovable, less loser members of the group. The hard cases are picked off the show week by week as they lose challenges, leaving the two most genetically blessed candidates standing for the finale.

So it works, sometimes, at least for a few minutes. But let's examine the carnage along the way.

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WHO'S YOUR ABUSIVE DADDY?

Essentially, what these men have done is insulted women until they feel so insecure that they're willing to give a loser like them a chance.

This is illustrated perhaps most devastatingly when the men are sent to pick up exotic dancers. Turns out, strippers are just women (who knew?), and react to the same "negs" and "demonstrations of higher value" once you eliminate their "stripper programming."

That is, if you deprive them of their income (don't tip), fail to give them your attention ("I'm just not in that mind space right now") or insult them ("where are all the cute girls?"), they will do anything to get your attention, including make out in the limo outside.

It's hard to ignore the abusive daddy complex at play here. A triumph for these men means knocking "high value" women like strippers off their pedestals and making them feel just insecure enough to need validation from a guy with funny highlights.

Sadly, it works. Let's hope there's a follow-up program for women called "The Self-Esteem Artist."

The women are conquered; the men move on. The goal is not to find a girlfriend, but to "close" with a kiss (or a sad makeout session in a limo).

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AND...CUT!

Perhaps inevitably, the show is as damaging to the men it tutors as the women it targets.

Yes, they are taught to overcome their fears, a valuable lesson for anyone.

But they're also taught to stick to the script. They're told to aim for the best looking woman in the room, not the shy woman in the corner who's as nervous as they are. They're told that being themselves isn't enough, that women are interested in the illusion they create, not the men they are.

What happens when they run out of script?

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Lisa Tolin blinks a lot. It's cute. She's also the deputy editor of asap and would never fall for that one.